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DIY Car Servicing for the average man....

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  • DIY Car Servicing for the average man....

    DIY Car servicing for the average man...
    Directions on how to carry out a service to your own car…

    1. Make sure you have all correct safety clothing and footwear before commencing Old jeans, AC/DC T shirt, trainers with hole in sole.

    2. Ensure you have a level, hard surface and clean, well lit workspace to carry out all work Park car half on, half off pavement near a lamppost, lightly scatter tools and parts all over the place.

    3. Ensure you have the correct lifting equipment and suitable axle stands to secure vehicle high enough to gain access to the underside use old leaky trolley jack that you have to pump like hell just to get it to stop going down, and then get your mate to wedge several bricks under sills.

    4. Have light refreshment – Down a tin of beer before you get started.

    5. Remove sump plug and allow old engine oil to drain into suitable container for correct disposal round off seized sump plug that you buggered last time and forgot all about, use vise grips to totally butcher the plug and tear out all the threads from the sump on its way out. Coat arm liberally, all the way up to your arm pit, in hot, stinky engine oil as you take the plug out that last little bit, ensure to swear lots as this is done, then miss your old “gallon can with the side cut out of it” container with the engine oil, this oil should now irreparably damage the road outside your house.

    6. Ensure a spillages are controlled and cleaned up as per Health and Safety regulations Chuck sh1tloads of old towels on top of the now growing pool of oil… watch it flow down the street and wonder just how far does a sump full of oil go… have another tin of beer.

    7. Remove oil filter and drain contents into containerRip oil filter to shreads because it is seized on, burst the side open and drain contents down your remaining clean arm. Swear lots… have more of that beer.

    8. Replace oil filter, sump plug and fill engine with the required quantity of oil.Overtighten the new oil filter ensuring that it will be a nightmare to come off next time. Waste 2 litres of good, new and expensive engine oil by tipping it into the filler hole… then realising you have forgotten to refit the sump plug, swear loudly, refit said plug, your street should look like a Jurassic tar pit by now, then continue to put oil in now but always ensure you miss the hole and give the engine that glistening look as you waste yet another couple of litres of oil as you cover everything in GTX Magnetec… and it does indeed cling to your engine like a magnet, but unfortunately doesn’t do much good on the outside.

    9. Remove and replace air filter, ensuring to clean out debris trapped within the air filter housing.take 3 hours to lacerate all the skin on both arms to remove this stupid plastic box lid, which will break. Remove filter to find that the one you have been supplied looks **** all like the one in your car, blow out leaves and dead bees from the housing, making sure that the bulk of the small debris blinds you like a sandstorm in the sahara then beat the old filter several times off your neighbours wall to knock all the dust out, then refit the old air filter while questioning loudly about the doubtfull parentage of the partsman who sold you the overpriced and useless filter currently resting in the garden over the street as you threw it there earlier. Waste another 3 hours of your life trying to fit the lid back on the airbox… superglue broken bits afterwards. More beer.

    10. Remove and replace spark plugs, ensuring that the gaps are correctly measured with feeler bladesWhere the bloody hell did you put those feeler blades? Fit plugs after gapping them with a fag packet.

    11. Check all suspension and steering components for wear and security.**** it! You never heard any clunking last time you drove it so it must be ok… have more beer.

    12. Remove wheels and check tyre condition and wear.Give yourself a hernia trying to remove the wheel nuts with your pathetic wheel spider that can only deliver enough torque to round off the wheel nuts that have been put on by John the spotty 15 year old “Brake specialist” at Kwik Fit and his airgun that has more torque than the steam turbines on a Nimtz class aircraft carrier. Check tyre for wear… no canvas yet… good for a few more miles. More beer.

    13. Check braking system components for wear and operation.Beat the living daylights out of the brake drums until your ears bleed and there is so much brake dust in the air that all the canaries within a 2 mile radius, start to fall off their perches… wash down dust with lashings of cold beer. After several minutes of swearing, beer drinking and general tantrum, realise the reason the rear brake drums will not come off is because you left the handbrake on… invent some story to your wife that you knew that it was on before she pointed it out to you and that she should stop interfering… and bring you more beer.

    14. Refit wheels, lower vehicle to the ground and check all levels.Bloody jack… it was working earlier! Use old fence post to jimmy car off bricks… count blessings as car misses your left foot that’s only protection is that old Nike… with the hole in the sole. Check all levels… get more beer if required.

    15. Clear away all tools and replaced parts.Chuck all the old bits in nextdoors wheelie bin… they will never know it was you. Throw all your halfords finest back in the box in any old order… too ****** to care now, and the street looks like its been a berth for the Exxon Valdeze.

    16. Take car for a short road test Given that you have consumed more beer than several small American states, that is probably a bad idea.

  • #2
    Tell me when I can stop laughing!!!!!
    Last edited by Andy; 13 July 2009, 04:05 PM.


    • #3
      Originally posted by opel_bitch View Post
      1. Make sure you have all correct safety clothing and footwear before commencing Old jeans, AC/DC T shirt, trainers with hole in sole.
      That'll be Dicko then?

      The rest of it sounds like him too, quality


      • #4


        • #5
          lol, so true!!!!!!